Dear Mrs Hubbard
Thank you for your interest in the advertised position of head cook in our school canteen, but I’m sorry to have to tell you that your application has been unsuccessful. It was good of you to spare the time to attend the interview, but I'm afraid many of the other candidates were somewhat better qualified and/or more experienced. Indeed, we were quite overwhelmed with the quality of the applicants and there are many others besides yourself who will also be feeling disappointed.
If I may offer you some feedback, when we asked you why you were applying for this position, perhaps it would have been better not to cite the ready availability of leftovers. While we appreciate the plight of your little dog when faced with the absence of bones in your cupboard, this was not really the motivation we were looking for. Furthermore, empty shelves are not an ideal demonstration of your suitability, when the advertisement specifically called for the ability to make scarce resources go a long way.
We would like to reassure you that the education authority is an equal opportunities employer, so please do not think for a minute that your advancing years counted against you. On the contrary, a degree of maturity was considered a positive advantage for the role.
If it's any consolation, the woman who lived in a shoe with her enormous brood of children was also unsuccessful in her application. While her evident ability to feed so many mouths went in her favour, it was felt she already has enough on her plate, so to speak, without the demands of a whole school full of children.
One candidate, a large chap who has reached great heights, showed great ingenuity by making loaves of bread from the ground-up bones of Englishmen, even if the tasting samples were not entirely to the liking of some of the interview panel.
On the other hand, the applicant who presented us with a pie containing two dozen blackbirds could, we thought, have made a better impression if the birds had been plucked and roasted before being enrobed in pastry and baked. Mind you, what that candidate could do with a pocket full of rye was most impressive.
Equally, the lady who claimed she had built her entire house out of edible treats was rejected. Although her patisserie skills were second to none, it was felt that an excess of confectionery would be in conflict with the school's policy on healthy eating. Child obesity is a real problem these days, don't you agree? Not to mention the rising tide of caries in the face of a shortage of dental appointments.
I'm sure you are eager to know who we finally offered the job to. I must say, we didn't think this particular candidate looked good on paper, but when she arrived for interview she was not alone. We offered her the job on the spot and next Monday roast lamb will be on the menu, followed by Lancashire hotpot on Tuesday, Moussaka on Wednesday, kofta kebabs on Thursday and shepherds' pie on Friday.
You will, I hope, join us in wishing Mary every success in her new career.
Yours sincerely, etc.
P.S. Mary says if you call by on Friday afternoon, she can probably find a bone for your poor little dog.
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